EPISODE ONE: The Adventures of Big Chunky and Greg

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In this strange little world called Kanto, things are almost as they are in our world, but they're a bit different. For one, pets as we know them aren't a thing—instead, people keep firebreathing dragons and giant, poisonous moths as pets. Welcome to Pokemon Blue.

We start off this story from the perspective of the small (well, debatably small) child who would grow up to run this world.

He's first greeted by Professor Oak, a kindly old man who introduces these strange beasts to him. He says he studies them as a profession, and frankly, I can't think of a better job than studying bodybuilding lizard people with flesh tights.

After a bit of a ramble, he asks for the name of the boy. Immediately all of my friends on IRC suggested Big Chunky.

Welcome to the story of Big Chunky.

Then we introduce a rival. Every story has to have a villain, and I guess this crazy-haired scamp is Big Chunky's. I again asked for a name.

It'll do.

After telling of the grand adventure Chunky will go on, Oak sets the boy down into his bedroom, fairly barren but well-equipped with an old NES, a Mac Classic, and a potted plant. I don't even have one of those. Lucky.

After getting used to the viewpoint (at least he looks less chunky from this angle), Big Chunky descends downstairs, outside, and into the tall grass to start his grand adventure, where he's promptly stopped by Oak again.

Oak informs Big Chunky that he needs his own Pokemon for protection, which is a fair point. After all, even the most average bird has the ability to split open your eyes and claw your throat out, so having one on your side for protection is a solid idea.

By this point, Big Chunky's sensing something big coming. Perhaps Oak was right about this whole grand adventure thing. He immediately follows the old man back to his laboratory...and finds Kyle waiting impatiently, like a little shit.

Still, Oak gives them both the opportunity of a lifetime: one of three rare Pokemon to start the grand adventure with.

Chunky is presented with three options for Pokemon: a froggy grass lizard with a plant on its back (Bulbasaur), a tiny, upright chameleon with a fire tail (Charmander), and...a turtle. Named Squirtle. Now, Chunky's no fool; in fact, he's got premonition.

Kid decides to go with the turtle.

Now, we need a name for the turtle. Once again, I pass the honors onto the IRC group, who immediately take the opportunity to discuss baked goods.

<capy> all I can think of right now other than "oh
man big titty mariteaux" is greg
<neo> fucking greg
<neo> shit just makes me think of fucking greggs to
be honest
<neo> (walks into my local greggs) AY DOES BIG CHUNKY
WORK HERE? BIG CHUNKY AND THE TURTLE?
<capy> greg = good 
<capy> greggs = also good, delicious pastries
<neo> ugh donuts
<mariteaux> neo thinks of food: more at 11
<neo> ITS JUSTIFIED IMO
<capy> haven't been to greggs in forever
<capy> and I don't think I've ever had a donut there
<capy> always had those flake cake things
<capy> or savoury food
<neo> FUCKING FLAKE CAKES
<neo> CHILDHOOD SHIT MAN
<neo> i get the donuts sometimes when my family goes
<neo> because youknow
<capy> absolutely tasteless
<neo> great diet and all that
<neo> used to peel the chocolate off like an absolute
madman
<capy> used to eat the flake, then the chocolate,
then the cake
<capy> made a huge mess
<mariteaux> i hope you both know this is going in the
writeup
<neo> its an important discussion
<neo> it really is
<capy> it better go in the writeup

Still, we get a name. Greg. It's a nerdy white kid name, but it's a name.

But even more unfortunate for poor Greg, his trainer happens to be an overbearing mother.

Our cast is set. Big Chunky, the little fat kid poised to take over your local Greggs the world. Gregory, his beleaguered turtle. Kyle, the haughty anime antagonist set on...also taking over the world(?). Oak, the professor sending them on this journey. For some reason.

Chunky wanders out, ready to take on the world, nothing standing in his way...except for Kyle, who's already ready to send his new Bulbasaur out into battle. The two newborn Pokemon take turns running into each other until one falls over.

It wasn't exactly a fair fight, admittedly. Gregory had a shell, and the Bulbasaur was born partially-blind. Still, victory is Chunky's.

So, Chunky and Greg set off for the next town, lining the woods with Pidgey corpses as breadcrumbs to find their way back. And no sooner than Chunky stopping in the Viridian Mart for some Ben and Jerry's does he have to turn back.

Apparently Chunky has that small-town look about him that lets the lazy-ass cashier dump a package for, who else, Professor Oak, on him. Chunky and Greg do manage to make it back to Pallet Town in one piece, though the Pidgeys largely don't.

Upon arriving at Oak's lab once more (and discovering that Kyle followed him back, strangely enough), Oak reveals the final bit of his master plan for the kids: the Pokedex.

The Pokedex is a simple device, looking a little bit like a Palm Pilot you hold on its side. Just catch a Pokemon to know everything about it. Oak being too old to catch all 151 Pokemon out there, he sends both Kyle and Chunky out into the wilderness to do it.

And, of course, because Kyle can't shut up about how much he apparently doesn't like Chunky:

How adorably wretched.

And thus begins the adventures of Chunky and Greg, as they set out to catch a bunch of wild animals for Oak to study. What will await them? I already know, since I played the other game, but you probably don't. Stay tuned for episode two, very soon.